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Michael Scott, regional manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton, lived for the spotlight. So, imagine the audition he would’ve loved to witness, nay, participate in. It wouldn’t be an audition for a serious role, of course. No, this would be for something… grungier. Something edgier. Something involving a toilet.
The Audition: “Bathroom Breakout!” – A Prison Drama Parody
The scene: a claustrophobic bathroom stall, the kind found in a low-budget horror movie. Our potential stars are auditioning for the role of “Squeaky,” a nervous inmate desperate to escape during their allotted bathroom break.
- First Up: Kevin Malone. Kevin, bless his heart, misunderstands the assignment. He arrives with a plate of chili and proceeds to demonstrate his “method acting,” which involves getting increasingly distressed while trying to eat the chili discreetly in the stall. Michael, initially annoyed, is soon howling with laughter. “That’s… that’s comedic gold, Kevin! You’re capturing the inner turmoil of a man who just *really* needs to poop!” he exclaims, completely missing the point.
- Next: Dwight Schrute. Dwight arrives prepared. *Too* prepared. He’s built a miniature replica of the bathroom stall, complete with escape tunnels carved into a block of cheese (for realism, naturally). His audition consists of reciting lines from *The Shawshank Redemption* while simultaneously trying to saw through the porcelain toilet with a rusty spork he procured from his beet farm. Michael is impressed by Dwight’s dedication, but also deeply concerned. “Dwight, is that a *real* spork? And are you actually damaging company property?!”
- Then: Angela Martin. Angela refuses to enter the stall. She deems the entire exercise “unsanitary” and “beneath her.” Instead, she stands outside, arms crossed, and delivers a scathing monologue about the importance of hygiene and the moral depravity of prison inmates. Michael, surprisingly, finds her performance captivating. “Angela, you’re bringing a level of sophistication to this role that I didn’t even know was possible! You’re like Meryl Streep, but with cats!”
- Finally (and inevitably): Michael Scott. Michael decides that no one is truly capturing the essence of “Squeaky.” He barges into the stall (while Angela is still lecturing), shoves Dwight’s cheese-tunnel aside, and begins his own rendition. His performance involves a series of increasingly outlandish physical comedy routines, including attempting to climb out of the stall through the ventilation shaft and using his belt as a makeshift rope. He ends his audition with a dramatic plea to the imaginary guards, begging for “just one more minute” before “nature calls in the most explosive way possible.”
The winner? In Michael’s mind, himself, of course. Though the actual “Bathroom Breakout!” production never sees the light of day (thankfully), the audition itself becomes a legendary tale at Dunder Mifflin Scranton, a testament to Michael’s unwavering commitment to absurdity and his uncanny ability to turn any situation into a self-serving performance.
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