Over the course of 21 seasons, Grey’s Anatomy has undoubtedly been a source of comfort for countless people. In our lowest moments, this show has always been by our side, but when these doctors and patients go through difficult times in their lives that mirror our own … well, that’s when it becomes a wholly different type of comfort, something more powerful than just another episode of a medical drama. Simply put, we feel seen. In this series, we’re focusing on those special episodes that become an anchor in life’s unimaginable moments and give us the strength to go forward.
When April Kepner first came into the Grey’s Anatomy world, she was definitely a polarizing figure. She was pious and judgmental, isolating herself from her fellow residents, but over time April evolved into a thoughtful, open-hearted, and talented trauma surgeon. This transformation could be most vividly seen in her changing relationship with religion; at first unwaveringly devoted, April later began questioning her connection to God after a series of tragedies, culminating in a major “crisis of faith” during Season 14.
While the doctor was exploring her doubts on-screen, Grey’s viewer Evelyn Payne was having a similar crisis off-screen. Like April, the now-33-year-old from Kansas had grown up with religion but felt lost and forsaken by God as an adult, causing her to question her long-held beliefs. When Payne watched April give a powerful speech about doubting God in the season 14 episode “Personal Jesus,” she felt deeply connected to the character. And as she explains below, April helped Payne make peace with her own ever-changing faith.
I was raised Catholic and went to church often with my family. When I went to college, it was the first time I got to choose to go to church on my own, and it was also my first time thinking about what religion really meant to me. I believed in God and still felt close to Him, but I felt a lot of guilt for not doing religion “right.” If I didn’t feel like going to church one day, or a certain church didn’t feel like a great fit, it made me feel like I wasn’t doing a good job of being religious.
I also felt very alone because this wasn’t something I felt like I could talk about with people in my life. I’m very close with my sisters, but when they went to college, they leaned away from religion, so we handled everything differently. And even though I had friends who were religious and spoke to people at churches, I didn’t feel like I could relate to them. They all seemed to be comfortable with their relationship with religion, and I felt like they would judge me for my own. I didn’t want them to think I wasn’t as religious as they were or that I was doing it “wrong.” So I had to grapple with everything all by myself.
I started watching Grey’s when I was 22, right after I graduated from college. When April first came into the series, I was so annoyed with her because she was so religious; I remember thinking, “That’s exactly what I’m supposed to be like,” and feeling guilty that I wasn’t. I didn’t think I could relate to her.
But around the time April started questioning her relationship with God, her journey ended up echoing my own. At that point, I was in the midst of trying out different churches, but nothing felt right. I’d just moved and left a community of close friends, and I didn’t have a lot of motivation to keep trying with religion and put myself out there again. I kept asking myself, “Where and how do I feel closest to God?” But I wasn’t sure, especially because I was going through so many hiccups in life. I’d just ended a very close friendship with someone I’d grown up with and had remained close to for years. It gutted me. I was also ending a romantic relationship, which stung as well. On top of all that, I was moving to a new place and feeling really alone. I felt like I was moving through life clumsily and making so many missteps, without the comfort of religion like I was used to.
The episode where April gave a speech about Job and asked where God was during Job’s suffering and pain came during the thick of my own crisis of faith. She said, “Makes you wonder where He is through all of the unfairness and inequity and cruelty in the world. Where is He now?” I remember crying so hard when I watched it because I felt so much for April and understood exactly what she meant. She’d experienced so many heavy, negative things in her life that had changed her relationship with religion, and although she’d gone through so much to feel close to God — just like Job — she still had to ask, “Why isn’t He actually listening to me?”
That’s how I felt, too. I still felt close to God and believed in Him, but I didn’t feel like I was getting the feedback loop of, “Yes, you’re doing this right, you’re making the right choices.” Like April, I was at my lowest point and felt done. But at the same time, her journey helped me realize that there’s no perfect way of being religious. I finally decided, I’m going to try to do it my way, not anyone else’s.
Later in the season, April talked to a rabbi about how people feel close to God in different ways, and that also helped me reframe my relationship with religion. Like April, I realized I could feel God in a body of water or a church — if it resonated with me, I just needed to listen and follow God that way. Really, her whole journey helped me feel more open about religion and put less guilt on myself. I know now that there’s no one “right” way of being religious and that I’m still close to God even when I’m going through hardships — just like April.
