It’s refreshing to see older men search for companionship.
Last fall, I was all in on The Golden Bachelor, a twist on ABC’s long-running dating show that features contestants in their 50s, 60s, and 70s. To be honest, I didn’t care that much about the Bachelor, Gerry Turner, or his happiness. My emotional investment was in the women vying for his heart, all of whom were delightful and some of whom were extremely cool and way out of Gerry’s league. I did appreciate Gerry’s willingness to listen and his gentle way with everyone. But I never got attached to him as a leading man. (And for good reason, because the Golden Bachelor aftermath was a bummer!)
It could not be more different with The Golden Bachelorette, which centers the lovely Joan Vassos, a Golden Bachelor contestant who left the show prematurely for family reasons. Thank God she bailed. She very well may have won Gerry’s heart—and we would have been deprived of the absolutely soul-lifting, palate-cleansing, world-righting experience of watching her on The Golden Bachelorette.
Lots of us had hoped that Leslie Fhima, a runner-up on The Golden Bachelor, would be chosen to anchor this inaugural season of The Golden Bachelorette. But what a mistake that would have been! Leslie was vulnerable and wore her past traumas openly; she looked tough, but she wasn’t. Joan, for her brief time on the show, was obviously very beautiful but also pretty … normal. She loves her kids and grandkids. She has lost a spouse. She hasn’t retired yet. She spoke about her feelings. But none of what I saw of her prepared me for what a rock this woman is—and how necessary that would be in allowing her suitors to open up. Joan can handle it, and it’s a lot.
This really hit me during the premiere, when Joan is alone in the Bachelor mansion, standing in the living room with all 24 men, preparing to tee up videos from the kids of the guys. Twenty-four! That’s a lot of men, and these guys are there to win. They are there not to see if something clicks, knowing that they can hit the bar or reach out to an ex for a hookup if they get booted off the show, as is the case for the men in their 20s who compete on most dating shows. These men are there to get Joan. She has to manage all that expectation and desire while staring out at a sea of guys, every one of whom looks as if he wants to take a bite out of her. They want to touch her, and they do. Personally, I wouldn’t be able to handle it. These people are strangers. But Joan can.
And of course, she listens (often with a man’s hand on her thigh—again, no thanks). Like Joan, a lot of these guys have lost a spouse to illness and haven’t been ready to prioritize finding a new partner. Others are shy or don’t know how to date. Charles L., a 66-year-old Chinese immigrant who immediately became a fan favorite, was only ever with his wife, who died six years ago. In the second episode, part of which included a “senior” senior prom (get it? Taylor Dayne performed!), Charles sat alone on the bleachers, unsure of what to do. Eventually, he was coaxed out to dance by the group. It was awkward—and adorable.
It’s received wisdom that older men have an easier time dating than older women do, because younger women are more open to older men than vice versa; it’s also generally accepted that older women are less interested in younger men. Overall, and based on personal experience—I dated in my mid-40s before meeting my age-appropriate now husband—this is probably true. But dating for fun and exploration is not the same as looking for a relationship. And it’s definitely the case that middle-aged and older men also struggle to find meaningful connections. I love that The Golden Bachelorette is showing that strife through these men—how desperate they are for companionship and how flummoxed they are about how to find it. It’s so refreshing.
It is also refreshing to see the men sans Joan, living in the mansion as roommates. This was also part of the Golden Bachelor’s joy: The women were having a blast. There is perhaps a little more rivalry and jealousy on The Golden Bachelorette—I wouldn’t be surprised if this is retired Navy Captain Kim’s undoing—but most of what we’ve seen so far is good-natured ribbing about unbearable snoring and arguing over how best to shuck corn and cook burgers. For the record, I am with Jack—I do not want barbecue sauce on my patty, and I too “like my burgers mooing”! Speaking of Jack, who was cut at the rose ceremony, I am going to miss his cannonballs in the pool and his overall goofball vibe. But he didn’t stand a chance at real romance with Joan, and she wasn’t going to waste that rose. (See? She has to be ruthless!)
In the “coming up” reel at the end of the second episode, we get a glimpse of a conversation between Joan and Gerry, who is brought in to offer some later-in-the-season counsel. Initially I was confounded by this decision, given that his Golden marriage imploded within weeks. But what we hear is Gerry asking Joan if perhaps her second love isn’t in the mansion. It’s a fair question, clearly based on experience. And it’s possible Joan won’t find true love or that issues with geography will simply make it impossible to work out a long-term relationship.
It doesn’t matter. There was some nasty heartbreak on The Golden Bachelor, and Joan will surely also crush some hearts and dreams. But there’s more to this show: It continues to feature the full vitality and experience of men and women after 50, with all their busted knees, hand tremors, and sleep apnea. Joan will come out on top—even the “losers” will.
On The Golden Bachelorette, confidence is built, worlds are expanded, fun is had. For everyone in the mansion, and us viewers too.
