And why handing out the roses is harder than hoping to receive one.
It’s almost here! At the risk of sounding like a broken record, The Golden Bachelorette premieres in mere hours. We’re sure you have lots of questions for our leading lady, Joan Vassos — which is why we’ve rounded up everything we know about Joan, including her approach to dating and how she met her late husband. Still want more? We’ve got you: We sat down with Joan to get behind-the-scenes info before the season airs. We asked her everything on our minds as we prepare to watch her journey for love unfold, like how it feels being on the other side of the rose ceremony, her biggest dating red flag, and what dating is really like in your 60s.
Katie Couric Media: What’s it been like handing out the roses versus hoping to receive a rose?
Joan Vassos: Handing out the roses is 1000 times harder. When I was standing among the other women hoping to get a rose, I felt like, if I don’t get one my feelings will be hurt, but I’ll be fine. Having my feelings hurt is a lot more comfortable for me than hurting someone’s feelings. I struggled during those rose ceremonies. I probably didn’t sleep any night before a rose ceremony. As the season went on, it got harder and harder because I got to know the guys on deeper, more emotional levels. For some reason, older men who are vulnerable are just really fragile.
I’m glad you brought that up because it looks like a great group of men so far. The New York Times just published an article about how it’s so difficult for women dating over 60. What has your experience been like, aside from the show?
Clearly, it wasn’t great because I ended up being on The Golden Bachelor and then The Golden Bachelorette. At first, I thought, I have all these friends, I know lots of people, someone’s going to set me up with a great guy. And that didn’t happen. They would say, “I don’t know anybody good enough for you,” or “I don’t know anybody’s gonna be a good match for you.”
And then I thought, well, I’ll just meet somebody organically. That’s certainly how my generation did it before dating apps — we would just go out and meet people. I started saying yes to everything. I went to every wedding I was invited to, and was the ninth person at the couple’s table. I would go out to dinner with friends, and we would sit at the bar as opposed to a table to make it easier for people to approach us. But it just never happened.
Then I went on a dating app, and that was like a job. I felt like if I didn’t look at my phone 30 times a day, I would get bogged down with messages I didn’t have time to answer. I had a job! I felt like I would get fired for being on my phone all the time, trying to continue these conversations with men I didn’t even know if I’d like. Then, when I got together with them, sometimes they weren’t very truthful in their profiles. Their pictures were different; they weren’t the same people they portrayed themselves as. So that became unappealing.
But I’m not going to say the show was my latch last-ditch effort because I don’t think I ever would have given up on trying to find love. I loved having my person. I loved being in love and being a wife and having my best friend at my house every day. The fact that I got to have The Bachelor do it for me and vet all these amazing men was just like a dream come true.
We’re going to get to see you go on a lot of spectacular dates this season, but outside of The Golden Bachelorette, what’s a typical or ideal date for you?
Typical and ideal are probably different. My typical first date is, you meet at a restaurant that has a bar and you have a drink, which is really safe, because you can leave after one drink. You can get out of it easily if you’re not having a great time. If you are having a great time, hopefully the guy is too and will suggest dinner. But I’d rather go on a fun date. I’d rather go to a sporting event or wine tasting, or, you know, just something a little different than the typical “go and sit at a restaurant bar and have a drink with somebody.”
Before the show, when was the last time you’d been on a date?
Oh, gosh. I had dated a decent amount before The Golden Bachelor. Then when I came off, I had this new grandchild, and I took a little break. Then, early the next year, I got the call that I was being considered for The Golden Bachelorette, so I purposely didn’t date because I didn’t want to get involved in anything. I didn’t want to make an effort at that point if I was going to get this great opportunity. So I didn’t date a lot before I came on the show because I was waiting.
When you’re on a date with someone, what’s a red flag you look out for and a green flag?
A red flag would be somebody who doesn’t have the same kind of relationship with their family as I do. I certainly expect to take a backseat to somebody’s kids, or maybe to an elderly parent. I think that’s natural, and it’s the way it should be. So if they are more invested in our relationship than they are with their kids, that’s a red flag for me. I want somebody who puts their family first, because that’s what I’m going to do. Even if I’m in love with somebody and they are my person, I’m a mom first, and a daughter first. I still have a 92-year-old mom and I have an 86-year-old mother-in-law. They are two really important people in my life in addition to my kids and my grandkids. I’d want a guy [who treats his family] the same way.
There are probably a lot more green flags. I want somebody who’s adventurous. I want somebody who’s generous and kind. Something I look for when I’m dating outside of Bachelor Nation is if a man is really kind to the wait staff and if he’s kind the person who’s parking your car. I’ve been in those positions. I’ve been a waitress, and I remember the people who were nice to me. Those are just truly kind people, generally. That’s a big green flag for me, and also a red flag if they’re not.
Did you get any advice before you became the Golden Bachelorette from anybody from The Bachelor?
I sought out advice from people who were leads from other seasons. So I talked to Gerry, for example. The best advice I got was: Don’t hone in on one person really early during the journey; give everybody an equal chance. That was really, really good advice, because you do have an immediate physical attraction to [certain] people when you meet them. That’s just natural, but it’s important not to make that your basis for giving out roses. You need to really date everybody equally, because those first connections could end up not being your person, and you could connect with somebody on a way deeper level if you give it a little more time.
[The contestants] give up a lot to be on this show. They leave their families, homes, jobs, and pets, and they deserve a really good chance.
Is there one thing that surprised you the most, that first night in the mansion?
I never get to experience what happens in the mansion. I only see what happens on my dates. So I never had any idea how cute the guys were with each other. I thought they’d be like, “Yeah, I play golf, what’s your handicap?” and “How’s your baseball team doing?” That was so far from the truth. I don’t even remember a conversation about sports. It was all about dating and their lives and how they ended up being single in their 50s and 60s, or the things they were really proud of and their kids. They were way more like the women from The Golden Bachelor than I ever expected. I feel like these guys needed someone to talk to. I don’t think these men traditionally have these deep relationships with other men, and finding people who had similar experiences gave them the freedom to talk about their struggles and vulnerabilities. They became really open on night one. It was so surprising and in such a great way.
I think they will be friends for life. I know I’m friends with all the Golden Bachelor women. We all have really, really good relationships with each other. I think theirs are going to be every bit as good.
