The Bachelor season premiere recap: 32 women court Joey

The Bachelor season premiere recap: 32 women court Joey

Tennis pro Joey Graziadei began his ‘journey’ to find ‘love’ with the most women in ‘Bachelor’ history.

Greetings, fellow rose lovers! I do hope our time apart has treated you well, and that you’re ready to join me on Joey Graziadei’s “journey” to find “love.” Tonight’s premiere of The Bachelor included sibling rivalry, “Can I steal you?” drama, and a banana gimmick that made me — and dare I say the Bachelor himself — quite uncomfortable.

The evening begins with an ominously emotional flash-forward to the Proposal Platform™. All is quiet except for the sound of the crashing waves and the sniffles of our Bachelor, who is in tears.

Eventually, Joey heaves a heavy sigh and walks away from the Platform. The camera cuts to an overhead shot of a white SUV driving away, and then to the Final Rose, which rests untouched on the podium. Clearly, producers want us to believe that the “winner” rejected Joey’s proposal — but come on, we’re not idiots. You think anyone is going to turn this man down?

During his Ready To Find Love Again™ montage, Joey sits down with his family, including his sisters, Carly and Ellie. “It’s really cringey to watch you making out with multiple people, so can you just, like, work on it a little bit for us?” Carly asks him with a laugh. So sorry, sis, but your brother will not keep his lips to himself tonight. (More on that later.)

“I want someone that’s very open, that’s caring, adventurous, fun,” says Joey via voiceover as he suits up for night one. “Someone who feels very comfortable in their own skin.” (Who’s going to tell him that no one who goes on a reality TV dating show is actually comfortable in their own skin? Anyone? Bueller?)

Aaand we’ve made it to the mansion!

Host Jesse Palmer greets our Bachelor and then drops this bomb: “Joey, you’re making history tonight… There are more women showing up here tonight than we have ever had on this show before!” Did anyone else’s feel a sharp pain in their soul upon hearing this news? These two-hour premieres already feel four days long. WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS TO US? Ugh, let’s just get to it. Let! The! Journey! Begin!

YES to starting the night off with a 30-year-old. In her intro package, we learn that this soft-spoken Canadian transplant really wants to be a mom but “might not be able to have kids” due to a mysterious “health condition.” Don’t worry, girl — there are lots of ways to build a family.

Rachel presents Joey with a lei on ‘The Bachelor’. ABC
Rachel is radiant, and she brings Joey a lovely Kukui Nut lei. He seems charmed.

I’m going to be honest rose lovers: I didn’t really hear much of what Maria said about why she chose to be on the show, because I immediately went down a rabbit hole trying to figure out if her dad (pictured above) was a retired rock star or something. Doesn’t he give off “I used to be the road bassist for Bon Jovi” vibes? Turns out, the he’s actually the CEO of Jubilee Candy Corporation, which I suppose makes Maria a Canadian candy heiress. Oh, and I’m still trying to figure out why ABC blurred the little Canadian flag that Maria gave Joey. I’m guessing it’s some kind of trademark issue, but I’m not sure. Because I am a lunatic, I emailed the Department of Canadian Heritage to ask if they would have objected to the flag being shown in this context on The Bachelor, and received this response: “Although the National Flag of Canada is protected by the Trademarks Act against unauthorized use for commercial purposes, the use of the National Flag of Canada in a TV show as you have described would have raised no concerns at the Department of Canadian Heritage.” (Cue “The More You Know” music.)

We stan a girl with confidence. Erika literally dances her way out of the limo, with the help of a portable speaker playing some snazzy Flamenco music. “Growing up, my house was always filled with love and dancing,” says Erika, who is of Dominican and Cuban descent. “So I’ll be the one to teach Joey the ways [of dance]… and then he can teach me, like, some tennis.” Sounds like a plan.