17 Ways Fifty Shades of Grey Would Be Different if It Came Out Today
1. Ana would stalk Christian on Twitter. He’d have one of those accounts where he tweets completely uninteresting things four times in a row and then doesn’t tweet again for three months — at which time he resumes to writing tweets with as much wit as a paint chip.
2. They’d have iPhones FFS. Well, Christian might have an android because he’s stubborn and nothing is ever good enough for him.
3. Ana would drunkenly Snapchat herself out at a bar with the deer face lens and Christian would get wildly jealous and scold her — both for taking “juvenile” and “embarrassing” pictures that “could leak everywhere” and for daring to be out socializing without him.
4. Instead of working in book publishing Ana would be a “content creator” at PopSugar, in their newly created “books nostalgia” vertical. Christian would set up a Google Alert so he could see all of her articles as soon as they hit the site.
5. Christian’s sister Mia would have six figures’ worth of Instagram followers (or however many you need to be an “influencer”). Christian happily funds her shopping habit so she can make #bae pictures full of #shoesandbags. A signature embarrassment for the family was when Mia appeared on the Rich Kids of Instagram feed.
6. Jose would Snapchat Ana a dick pic and Christian would throw Ana’s phone at the wall (or maybe at his grand piano) leaving Ana with a broken screen, which she would refuse to let Christian replace because she “hates his money.”
7. Mrs. Robinson would have sold her story to TMZ.
8. Leila would have sold her story to the Daily Mail.
9. Christian would have a private suite at the Orgy Dome at Burning Man. He would post one boring Instagram of his desert view from here.
10. Christian would spy on Ana with a drone in addition to stalking her through pedestrian GPS technology.
11. After Ana’s boss sends her a “sexy” snap of his naked torso, Christian would decide to buy out Snapchat and install a filter on Ana’s phone so that only he can snap her and vice versa. He eventually makes an exception for his whiny sister Mia who, like, really wants Ana to join her squad.
12. Christian would demand Ana sign up for Blue Apron so he can control her food intake.
13. They wouldn’t email.
14. Ana would send Christian lots of emojis. He would eventually ask her what emojis are and begin using them himself — but only one at a time because he’s such a man.
15. Christian would insist on facetiming Ana instead of calling her so he can ensure she’s eating and/or not with another male human.
16. Grey Enterprises Holdings would be a hip office where people wear jeans and plaid shirts and Warby Parker glasses instead of skirt suits. The employees would be constantly jittery from the complimentary cold brew. Christian Grey would be considering installing a fro-yo machine, mostly so that when Ana visits he can use its deliverables in sex acts.
17. Instead of working in a hardware store in college Ana would have a side hustle as an Uber driver.
